But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
