I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
