The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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