What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just cut my nipple shaving
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
