so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
The beer is more important than you right now.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
