Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
