We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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