i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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