Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
