If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
