The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
