So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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