i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
