I want to walk on stilts...naked
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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