I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
