my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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