Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
