I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
What drink are we having for lunch?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
