Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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