i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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