I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
