my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
