I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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