im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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