Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
