I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
