i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
