Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
