sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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