Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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