Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
