just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
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