Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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