i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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