whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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