you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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