yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
