Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
