Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
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she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
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Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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