Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
