It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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