You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
