I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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