So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
