Can i not drive my cunt home
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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