So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
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She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
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I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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