I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
