I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
