To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
