DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
