Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
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she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
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Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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