Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
