Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
