Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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