There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
