I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
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i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
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Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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