Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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